i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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