I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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