Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
