I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
