my soul wont recognize me after tonight
too bad you live with your parents still
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
