She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
