the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
