If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
