Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
