1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
third nipple confirmed
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
