I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
