Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
