Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
