I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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