he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
