Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
