Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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