Dude my mom stole all your condoms
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
