Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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