Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Drunk is not a location!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
