Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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