It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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