Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
