I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
