Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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