im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
