i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
