Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
