I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
