I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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