I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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