You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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