my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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