My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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