Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
