I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
