we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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