My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Randomize
