It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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