Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
