before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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