Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
