It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
