After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Pooping to opera.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
