what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
