is your mom at the bar?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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