My liver just broke up with me...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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