I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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