Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
