i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
