GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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